Science News. Ozone Depletion.

Scientists have revealed today that ozone depletion is not caused by CFCs at all! But by seagulls. With the science scalpel, we scythe the foreskin off the hypothesis cock, revealing the shining bell of fact.

The discovery was made when German hanglider pilot Chilmar Smithe - ex resident of Strasbourg was caught in a sinister up-current last month. He was carried to a height of over 20miles where he froze as solid as one of Pamela Andersons breasts. Thankfully, due to the protective clothing that Chilmar was wearing his brain would have popped long before, due to the low pressure at such altitudes.

Chilmar a few weeks before he split like a sausage. A sausage with bone and feet.

When retrieving this morbid satellite from the low earth orbit he had assumed, rescuers we surprised to find what are now known as H.A.Gs (High Altitude Gulls) pecking and shitting on the body. Funnily enough scientists believe seagulls are subject to the same up-currents that Chilmar experienced. This of course, is not a natural process - we all know mother nature isn't that much of a bitch. Unfortunately, the reasons for these up-currents scientists find hard to talk about.

But why don't seagulls turn into the semi-exloded frozen gut-fest that they found high in the earths atmosphere?

The difference, is the seagulls' lovely soft feather coat. Apart from making them ideal pets, the feathers actually trap and store ozone. This shields the avine astronauts, thereby protecting the birds but at the same time making the ozone hidden from the the rest of the world. This is how the H.A.Gs can survive so nicely. And now, have begun to thrive.

Diagramatigram explaining it all

Scientists believe that for most of the year the H.A.Gs distribute themselves in an orderly fashion around the globe. In Summer and Winter however the H.A.Gs migrate to the poles to shag, causing holes in the ozone layer to emerge.

But do we really care?

Yes.

This is only the beginning, as numbers increase the holes will continue to grow until there is one big hole that stretches over the entire planet.

But what can be done to stop this menace from the air?

In laboratories scientists have shown that crude oil is effective in stopping the ozone trapping properties of the birds. Fire and Paris Hilton also work quite well. But oil is the humane option and so scientists from around the world meet next week in Bonn to discuss how best to pump 70 Million gallons of crude oil into the upper atmosphere, thereby forcing the H.A.Gs back down to earth where they can be shot.

A safe non ozone trapping gull.